Post by Lasagna and tears of failure on May 8, 2020 19:39:26 GMT -8
Hear ye hear ye come forth about the great Calzone
One night one of us gathered here came forth and bore false witness to the majesty we all know, the almighty Calzone, and tried to bring a pretender to thy kingdoms crown.
Let us once and for all strike down this pretender that claims our lords name and bear witness to the chaste that keeps the blood line pure of the simple grace of the name Calzone.
Nothing but pure flour, water, yeast, olive oil, and a pinch of salt wrapped around ricotta and mozzarella cheese with your favorite meat / vegetable cooked to perfection, awaiting to be dunked in the best pizza sauce, which as you read this should be making your mouth water.
I set forth to chronicle the travesty, neigh the abomination that was brought forth on these same walls of the forum, the infamous …shudder… ‘CALZONE SLICES’
FYI that picture is titled pizza calzone
What monster would have ever thought to make such an oxymoronical menu item named that is beyond the grasp of this poor writer imagination, but what was determined, is it should never ever have been named what it was. Likely since it was in some Greek shop Break worked at, they had no knowledge of the proud amazing dish the Calzone really is.
In doing some research on this, I found numerous recipes out there for basically a hot pocket, but claimed they were for a Calzone… Yes, I actually did some research on this as I wanted to show just what an abomination Breaks post was, only to be greeted with more abominations from people on the internet. A fucking hot pocket is not a Calzone, no matter how nicely you dress it up.
My journey began in South Florida one fateful night hangin with my bois and we had the munchies, and decided to order from a new Italian place down the street, and my buddy Bazini said he was gonna get a Calzone, I was “what’s a Calzone?” and when he described it, I was hmmm sounds interesting, and I ordered a large Calzone with ham. What arrived about 30 minutes later was pure cocaine that would lead to me chasing the white unicorn the rest of my life. It was in a large pizza box, took up 2/3 of the space, had 4 tubs of dipping sauce and was stuffed so so much that you could see the area the pizza box and pushed down on it squeezing it. Now I will admit, as amazing as that place was, they were a tad heavy on the ricotta, but their sauce was second to none for dipping.
The husband and wife that owned the place were really good people, had moved down from NYC and slowly put all other pizzerias in the area under. I tried a few other Calzones at the time and found none lived up to the cocaine I had found so I stopped ordering them unless I was in the neighborhood. Slowly though my munchies diminished, and my days of Calzones became a thing of the past.
Fast forward about 20 years and while trying to decide what to order one night off a flyer in the apartment building and low and behold, I saw Hungry Howie’s had a Calzone, I was fuck… been ages, lemme get that. If you learn nothing else from this article, learn NEVER FUCKING order a calzone from HH. Their flavored crust is amazing, don’t get me wrong, but their calzone is an abortion. A small Hot Pocket with mozzarella and a toping, and no flippin dipping soft, and it cost as much as a medium pizza. Whoever came up with this, is now on the Blacklist, coming in at #37
My disappointment was so great that I then started a quest to find at least a halfway decent calzone in the greater Charlotte area. This was like hoping shit would taste better than shit, for the longest time, disappointment grew on disappointment. It was like I had entered some fucked up Twilight zone where people had replaced mac and cheese with spaghetti and any time you ordered mac and cheese, you got spaghetti. If I could remember the names of the places, they too would end up on a Blacklist.
For the longest time I ended up in despair and stopped my quest as it seemed some evil sorcerer had cast a bubble far and wide to only offer shit sandwiches disguised under the menu listing of Calzones. The one day not long ago, near work on the north side of uptown, a hero arrived and via bards in the curtesy van from the mechanic I knew came whispers that could not possibly be true. A place, just a few scant blocks from the office had just opened, and not only was the pies and calzones awesome, but the portions were large. Now we all know the obvious and the man was on the take and must be getting paid to spread lies to drum up business so I ignored the whispers coming from Eudaemons, and went on with my day.
A few months later I happened to be at one of our buildings that sat kiddy corner to the place, it was lunchtime, and there is no fast food in the area so my will acquiescent to Eudaemons and I ventured forth to thine building and ordered a couple slices. Once back at my office I sampled thy offering that I paid for and was… “holy shit this is some good pizza”. I then took the leap of faith, and boldly ordered a calzone, to find… while it was not an 8 ball of pure cocaine like the old days, it still was pure cocaine.
My quest had finally come to an end, and now when I am feeling gluttonous, I hit speed dial and order an amazing calzone. Thank you all for reading my quest to find glory and the stupidity of ‘calzone slices’ and please vote. I post this for enjoyment and will likely do a RT #5 for actual votes, unless you my faithful friends amaze me.
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