AC Done - Your Best and Worst Starter: Eastern Conference
May 23, 2020 13:28:32 GMT -8
Spencer likes this
Post by ashes on May 23, 2020 13:28:32 GMT -8
An Extreme Take On Your Best And Worst Starter: Eastern Conference
New Jersey NetsBest: Michael Jordan
Bow down to greatness. This man is still styling on the whole league at 38. He is the best SG in the league, period. He is going to drop 30 on you. He is going to embarrass your “star” wing. He is going to rebound more than your mediocre-ass big man. He probably bet on all these pregame and he is going to collect. Jordan being on the Nets this season is borderline unfair. Will this guy even retire at the end of the season? I doubt it. He isn't done being the best. The chump Knicks couldn't get the job done so Jordan hopped ship to the real big dogs in the East. Let's see the wimpy Jazz beat the Nets when MJ has H20 curled up in the corner.
Worst: Mike Miller
This chump is exactly the kind of teammate Jordan would punch in the face. Mr. Percentages is out there doing is his thing, shooting 48/91/43 from the field so naturally he's killing it, right? Wrong. Jordan has to bust his old ass every night and score 30 a game because creampuff Mike Miller doesn't want to split a nail shooting the ball too much. This 21-year old POS would rather sit back and let the nursing home club take all the shots. Maybe he is tired from all that exhausting effort he puts out on the defensive end of the court. Yeah, that has to be it.
Miami HeatBest: Ricky Davis
The blessed one himself, Ricky Davis. This man laughs in the face of letter grades. Pretty Ricky is like a Miata with an LS3 V8 swap. Looks like a cute, little roadster, then comes out on the court dropping gears and burning rubber. Not only is he gifted with all the right ratings under the hood, but also seems to have the favor of the FBB gods, somehow shooting ridiculous FT/3P %s with a B+. Incredible. The Heat have been rightfully slobbering Ricky since the league began. The guy just has that “it factor.” IT rating 99. He even gets them sweet steals and minimizes turnovers. What a dreamboat.
Worst: Tracy McGrady
How high can this man jump? Apparently high enough to be too far from the basket to score. Ol' Sleepy here is the exact opposite of Ricky. Straight beach muscles. No power behind them, all for show. Yeah he's versatile. Sure he does a lot of things. Too bad he doesn't do the one thing an A- A- scoring guy should do...oh I don't know...score? Just shy of 20 a night with those sexy ratings? Get out of here T-Mac, you soft-ass scrub. Look at the real men around the league with those ratings. How dare you play second fiddle to Ricky Davis! Shit, you're basically third fiddle to Dijon Mustard over there. What a disappointment!
Washington WizardsBest: Peja Stojakovic
Peja whips it out, slams it on the table, Mike Miller crosses his legs. Peja comes out and drops bombs on other teams, Mike Miller apologizes for stepping on shoes. Peja is one of the sexiest shooting forwards in the league, and he knows it. Peja is an awesome shooter, and gets a few steals a game too. Probably the third guy I wish I had most right now, but that's another story. Just an outstanding guy all around. I hear he'd pay for your drinks too. What a bro.
Worst: Brad Miller
Yo seriously, what is this dude? What does he do? Why is he starting? So my man gets some rebounds and....that's about it. Guy literally can't put the ball in the hoop and plays pattycake with fans on defensive possessions. He's got some fancy handles I guess. I know pickings are slim for Washington, and the league in general, but this dude is straight buttcheeks. Go home, Brad. Go home.
Boston CelticsBest: Allen Iverson
The six foot wonder still remains one of the best guards in the league. He's got shakes that make you quake. The fries that cross your eyes. There some more offense around him this year so he's taking a break, but still putting in work. He is also still the best thief in the game averaging almost 3 a game. For a little guy he rebounds the ball incredibly well and, really, just kind of does it all. Smallest guy on the court with the biggest game.
Worst: Jamaal Magloire
There are 58 big men just like Magloire it seems, and he's just not that good. Maybe in an inside offense we'd see some more production and better use out of him, but all he is right now is a filler big. He gets that standard 1 steal 1 block that you see from a lot of mediocre big men better suited to coming off the bench. He could be a really intriguing inside-outside kind of guy for a team, maybe, but as a starter he is just bleh.
New York KnicksBest: Jamal Crawford
Crawford is doing it again. You know, scoring and not turning the ball over. After a disappointing training camp the league was ready to write him off, but turns out he got even better at protecting the ball. His percentages are still crazy weird but no one shoots more than this guy. For whatever reason, he decides to take it easy on teams and only plays about 32 minutes. Can't be too dominant, you know? He's only 21 and will probably be like this for the rest of his career, which is damn good. Get this guy on the court more, and damn son.
Worst: James Posey
Posey is like Mike Miller, but worse. That should be all there is to it. I thought this muffin-eating pansy would shine in New York, but he plays like the flower he is named after. Way better suited as a sixth or seventh man, this guy needs to stop trying to be something he's not. Can we just take his minutes and give them to Crawford?
Orlando MagicBest: Antoine Walker
Remember when Walker was butt? I don't, it seems like ages ago. He may be on a bad team, but Walker can ball. He is what guys like Jamison and Odom wish they could become. Scores, rebounds, shimmies. What more do you need? He's become a franchise-esque guy, and with another solid TC, he could be a bona fide star in the league. Break lucked out he actually developed, because last year he was looking rough. Now he is one of the better steals in the late round of the creation draft. Go on Walker, shimmy it up!
Worst: Mateen Cleaves
Get this guy off the court and out of the league. I don't care if he's 24, he is ass. Literally does nothing valuable. Can't score, can't dish, can't defend, and hands the ball to the other team like it's no one's business. Well it is, Mateen, it is someone's business! This guy couldn't help his team beat a high school team, let alone other teams in the league. I'd play Rod over this scrub. Mateen “Cleaving my teams chances for winning.” Trash.
Philadelphia 76ersBest: Antawn Jamison
I'll be honest there aren't a lot of positives for the Sixers, but I guess Jamison is one of them. He's putting up nice numbers for a shitty team, but doubtful he is the real deal. But for now, he's the guy! He has a good combo game and can probably be a guy that abuses FBB mechanics. I don't think Philadelphia is his future, but I think he's going to complete a team somewhere, someday down the line.
Worst: Stephon Marbury
Remember when he was the next big thing? Going to be the best PG in the league? Guy's garbage. He thinks passing to the other team is the play. He is not a good point guard and never will be. He needs to play the 2 and maybe he'll have a shot. Starbury? Please. This guy is no star. Maybe he can have a long enough career to secure some sweet Chinese shoe deals, because he isn't going to be winning any titles. The next team he ends up on (because lord knows he isn't staying in Philly) needs to give up on this guy playing point. Good luck Scrubury!
Toronto RaptorsBest: Ray Allen
Lights out. Jesus. Dead-eye. Mr. Never Miss. Sir Swishalot. Pure shooter in every sense of the word. Let his smooth stroke bring you to completion. This guy is single-handedly making the Raptors win games. The East has fallen pretty far, huh? Nah this guy is great. One of the best SGs in the league hands down, and he has been playing SF? Hey whatever works, works right? He obviously should be at the 2, so once he falls back into his natural position and gets even more touches, he is going to be a perennial 30 PPG monster. There are definitely some great shooters in the league, and Allen is one of the best.
Worst: Jason Richardson
Yikes. I know he is a rookie, but man he stinks. All jumping no talent is what I always say. J-Rich might never live up to expectations, but he has time, I'll give him that. For now, he is hot garbage. Sub-par shooter, doesn't play defense, and only dreams of scoring. Just give the ball to Ray Ray, and hit the practice court.
Cleveland CavaliersBest: Kevin Garnett
Man KG looks good now. People were pretty down on him but he is really starting to shine bright. He might be the best defender in the league now, putting up almost 5 steals/blocks a game. He is always going to be a lower-option guy, in my opinion, but he is right up there with best of them that you'd want in that spot. In a league starving for rebounds and defense, KG has to be one of the most valuable big men. He might not burn the house down with scoring, but he is an anchor, and the Cavs are wise to keep him. It'll be hard to get good value for KG right now, I'd say. Let this man howl his way to the promised land. Also, he leads the league in goaltending after the whistle. All about that mental game, ja feel?
Worst: Gary Payton
Oh Mitten, how disappointing you have been. I know he's one of those, “Hey look I can score some and defend really well!” kind of guys running around, but his turnovers are a killer, especially for a team that already struggles protecting the ball. He's another guy that is better served at the 2 maybe. He has a chance at locking down one of the plethora of scorers at that position. As a PG? He is probably more of a detriment than a benefit at this point. The old man probably has a few solid years left in him, but if those years are at point, he isn't winning shit.
Detroit PistonsBest: Chris Webber
Webber is quietly doing some serious work in Detroit trying to keep his shitty team winning some games. One of the best rebounders in the league, Webber does everything well except take care of the ball, but that's okay when you're the guy sometimes you get focused and cough up the ball. He definitely needs a team built around him, the guy is a monster when properly utilized. His prime years might end up wasted, but at least he is going to get his. I wouldn't be surprised to see him find a new home come frenzy time.
Worst: Jim Jackson/Anthony Mason/Monty Williams
The carousel of shittiness. None of these guys should have their name read out loud on the starting line-up sheet, but that's how the season has been going for Detroit. If you combine all of them you get like Antawn Jamison. Ouch. Warm the bench, friends, this is not your time.
New Orleans HornetsBest: Latrell Sprewell
The man that is ruining the hopes and dreams of the Milwaukee Bucks. Somehow this guy is keeping the Hornets afloat and letting Pig thumb his nose up at those who thought highly of his 1st Round Pick. He has stepped up his game since becoming the man in New Orleans, and no one can really explain the burst of wins the Hornets have put together with him. He only barely does things it seems, but he must have a clutch/win rating of 92. I thought Pig might snag some value out of him, and maybe he still will, but it is funny to see Spree keeping the Hornets late lotto.
Worst: Latrell Sprewell
But for real though, Sprewell really sucks. Yes this man is the best and worst starter. He is a turnover machine and is a really mediocre scorer. He sort of plays defense, but really, if this guy is your main guy, you are in trouble. Rough going in New Orleans, I think Pig blew it up too soon. Part of it seems like boredom, maybe some pride. Who knows? All I know is Sprewell is such an average dude it's crazy to me that he is having this success. I doubt it maintains, but man it would be funny if it did.
Chicago BullsBest: Jerome Moiso
Speaking of rough going, the Bulls have not had a good year. After playing way out of their league last year and getting exposed in the playoffs, the Bulls have sat back and done nothing but make Moiso better. Ol' Jerome “Makes the Women” Moiso is one of the few bright spots for the Bulls. He is relatively efficient, young, and a big man, so he gets the nod over Finley. He isn't really the carry the team type, but if the Bulls can rebound in the coming years, Moiso is a great big to have in this league.
Worst: Howard Eisley
Man what shitty guy to have as your starting PG. The losses are coming from somewhere, and having this chump as your 1 might be a good place to start. Very Cleaves-like in his game, just with less Tos. But he doesn't do anything else so his 2 TPG mark is meaningless. If the Bulls had even a slight upgrade at PG, they'd be a playoff team. Howard Eisley you are garbage and everything you do should belong at the YMCA. I bet you call your fouls and scream check up. Just looking at this dude makes me worse in basketball.
Indiana PacersBest: jeb
Jeb is by far the best player for the Pacers. The man is carrying them to a bright future and really wants them to succeed. If I were sargo, I'd build my team around jeb and make sure he is a fixture for my lineup for years to come. When jeb comes calling, the Pacers should stop what they are doing and listen. Such an influential figure in the office and on the court, jeb will lead the Pacers to a title in the future.
Worst: Jake Voskuhl
Remember those 58 mediocre bigs I was talking about? Big Jake Voskuhl is not one of them. I hate you Jake and everything you stand for. Dude should be flipping burgers somewhere not playing ball. Cut this dude.
Milwaukee BucksBest: Vladimir Radmanovic
It is so difficult to find anything redeeming on the Bucks, but Radman is the guy I guess? He already gives me strong Mike Miller vibes, so I'm not too sure, but I'll give him a chance. He plays for a really, really bad team with a rough road ahead of them. If he develops his scoring game these next few seasons, he is going to be a nice versatile 2/3/4, and might shine as a super-sub. Right now, the jury is still out.
Worst: Jamaal Tinsley
Worst PG, worst pick, worst name, worst dressed, worst beard, worst eyebrows, worst diet, worst hands, worst shot. I mean I could list things forever that this guy is the worst at. Worst use of roster space. Worst future, worst game, worst shoes, worst cooking skills. This guy is a plague on the Bucks and should haunt Chipper's dreams. I sincerely believe that.
Atlanta HawksBest: Stephen Jackson
You know, Jackson looked awesome last year. This year, he looks a little weary, but I'm not going to call it for him yet. He is still reasonably efficient, and has a really good build for a promising young player. His production is down slightly, but so are his minutes. I think with some work, Jackson will be a pretty decent 2nd to 3rd option for the Hawks, or wherever he ends up. He seems to have decent Inside Scoring which is great, and if his outside game continues to develop, he will at least be a good scorer. He's not too shabby on the defensive end either. Basically, any improvement and he's a keeper.
Worst: Samaki Walker
Waste of space. He gets some rebounds, I suppose. Does nothing else and turns the ball over a little more than you'd like from a guy only good for rebounding. There are so many other big men that do the same thing but slightly better. Samaki Walker, smd.
Disclaimer: Tongue-in-cheeks fellas. Kisses
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